Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships
While our culture implies that monogamy is the only acceptable/healthy relationship construct, we want to acknowledge, welcome, and validate the fact that there are many other relationship constructs. Consensual nonmonogamy is an umbrella term used for relationship structures that include agreements that allow for outside sexual and/or romantic connections. According to two separate 2017 U.S. census-based quota samples of single adults in America, more than one in five individuals reported engaging in consensual nonmonogamy at some point. A study conducted in 2014 found that approximately 4-5% of Americans are currently involved in a consensually nonmonogamous relationship.
Despite what you may have heard, consensual nonmonogamy is not a reflection of pathology. Instead, it can be a healthy and adaptive relationship style. The beauty of consensual nonmonogamy is that each person involved can define what it means for them. Some of the reasons why people decide to delve into consensual nonmonogamy are:
- It’s how they identify
- Desire for more intimacy/closeness
- Freedom/independence
- Desire for more variety in partners
- Philosophical reasons
- Desire for other kinds of sex/sex practices
- Desire for sex with another gender
- Desire for more sex
- Protection from being alone
Swinging and Polyamory
Two of the main consensual nonmonogamous relationship constructs that we work with are swinging and polyamory. While everyone gets to define what consensual nonmonogamy means for them, here are some basic definitions. People who swing or are swingers typically explore sexual play with other couples or individuals outside of their relationship. The sexual connections with others are for the enrichment of the couple, but romance is not typically part of the picture. Polyamory is a form of consensual nonmonogamy where one, some, or all partners engage in more than one romantic and (often) sexual relationship. Love and romance are typically involved in polyamorous relationships and the arrangements are consensual for all parties involved.
Studies have found that polyamorous relationships can be long-lasting and can have high levels of intimacy. For many people, being polyamorous is a congruent expression of an aspect of their identity. Studies have also found that polyamory is a valid relationship structure, with happy and satisfied participants, longevity, deep intimacy, and secure attachment.
Members of the consensual nonmonogamous community are a marginalized community. When working with marginalized communities, it is important for therapists to remember that intersectionality is important. Intersectionality refers to how different categories of oppression (based on race, class, gender, sexuality, ability, etc.) combine and overlap. The most important position for a therapist to take when working with a marginalized group is to acknowledge the marginalization and invite feedback and blunt discussion between the client(s) and therapist.
We encourage our clients to discuss ways in which they feel marginalized, and we strive to honor their experience(s). We invite feedback about their therapeutic experience and prioritize transparency and honesty. We meet this population with a multisystemic, non-pathologizing, postmodern therapeutic approach because these perspectives focus on individual definitions, narratives, and strengths around marginalization. We help our clients from this community create clarity around how they want their relationships to be structured in terms of power, priority, and decision-making. We focus on exploration, flexibility, experimentation, and negotiation while centering empathy and honest communication about their feelings, desires, beliefs, and preferences. Because healing often requires a therapeutic relationship that is attuned and connected, we prioritize creating a therapeutic relationship that features genuine caring and curiosity, open acknowledgement of difference, and collaboration.